Sunday, October 10, 2010



1. Change or restore to a different or former position or state.

2. Change one's position or attitude 
Every once in awhile I look back on the previous weeks/months and see that my thought process is out of alignment.  I have had nothing to write about, no inspiration.  I wondered for awhile if I was done writing for good.  And, while I was at it, maybe just done dreaming in general.  I still remain focused and determined to complete my BA, but when asked what I'm going to do when I finish, I'm left with no answer to that question.  In fact, it only leaves me with more questions.  Can I possibly pursue a full-time career and still be the support that my family needs and deserves?  If I don't go to work full-time after I graduate how in the world will I be able to pay back my student loans?  Why do I have such a peace about going to school, yet I feel so restless about what I'm going to do after I graduate?  And, while I am in this odd stage of having kids that are helpful and becoming self-sufficient, they still need to be driven everywhere so much of the time that it reminds me of being just as worn out as when they crawled around the house in diapers. Only a box of Pampers costs much less than soccer cleats, softball registrations and homecoming dresses! It is a daily battle I find myself in, knowing that raising my kids is much more important than any career I could have, but knowing one day when they are grown (and, even now) I have my own desires and dreams to live out. 

So, when I take my eyes off of the big picture it brings me to this lonely place.  I needed a reminder that it isn't so much "what" I do, but "how" I do it.  But, even more important is that while I am in this place of uncertainty, weariness and frustration about things not going my way, my heavenly Father could not love me any more or any less.  It's time to stop hanging my head and doubting His promises. I have heard His gentle whisper to me over the last few weeks in my times of weariness.....patience.  That's it.  One word.  A word I believe can change the atmosphere around me.  Rather than allow my circumstances and obstacles to define me, I'll exercise patience with an understanding that it isn't about "arriving" at any particular destination.  I have a choice to take this journey with God going before me...I can be led gently, I can go kicking and screaming or I can ignore/forget His promises.

Therefore, I'm going to chill out a bit....plan better....yell less....write more just because I want to whether anyone else reads it or not.....take care of myself....and most of all, take the time each day to get to know God's heart a little bit more.  So when the storms come (and, they will come) attempting to knock me out of alignment with His word and my destiny, I will have an even deeper revelation of His never-ending love for me!

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