Just the Facts, Mam. Just the Facts.

Anyone out there know of a suburban, soccer mom reality show? I'd like to audition, please. Rather than bore you with the details of how I've only been home to sleep and do a few loads of laundry over the past 5 days (The Dog was looking at me last night like "Do I know you?"), suffice it to say between cheerleading, soccer, play practice and a film shoot this mama thinks Survivor is for sissies....eating tree bark in the jungle is a walk in the park compared to the usual day here!

For example...today was a typical Morning O'Insanity at the oH mY wORD household. Lounging around in bed nursing my migraine with #3 until she cried out to remind me that the two girls I begin watching before school today were arriving any moment....I leapt from my bedroom to discover them at the front door (thankfully I was dressed but disheveled) to which I explained my house was a wreck because we were at a film shoot all weekend. Oh what a glamorous life I lead....not so much. After answering questions about the film and hopefully clarifying that we aren't secretly famous or anything, I sat all the girls in front of the TV like a good mom does so I could finish getting ready for work....you know, the thing I do that I actually get PAID for...unlike my acting career. I discovered the children watching Sponge Bob whom I despise (which I could launch into a full dissertation of the evils of Sponge Bob, but I'll save that for another day) and as I was telling them to turn it off to load up in the van, #2 pulls out her form that was due last week to play the saxophone. Lessons start today and I never even signed the agreement to get the instrument!! And, of course, my sweet child can't play a more inexpensive instrument like say....the triangle, she has to go for the $39 a month instrument....but, I digress....the paperwork gets filled out quickly (I never did fill in the sales tax portion because I had no calculator and my brain was mush) and I realize I am not really "ready" for work so I decide to drop off the girls and come back home.

Upon pulling away from the parent drop off area I realize that #3 forgot her "pet" grasshoppers and she was doing a speech on them today. So, I race back home to grab the plastic container with Saran Wrap on top and realize perhaps I should have given them some fresh grass (not that I was actually home in the last 5 days to do that, but it was a nice thought). I then realized the first grasshopper, "Buddy" was very still and not hopping as grasshoppers should hop. In fact, he was dead. Now what?? I can't deliver a dead grasshopper to school....#3 would be in therapy for years. So, I carefully pull back part of the plastic wrap roof and the smell of grasshopper carnage assaults my nose (actually, it was more like the scent of dead, moldy grass). Afraid now that "Joseph" the other grasshopper will escape I search for a utensil to scoop out the corpse. I open my silverware drawer but can't bring myself to use any actual silverware on it. How can I possibly use a spoon to scoop out a dead grasshopper and then use that same spoon to eat a bowl of ice cream?? No, I need a plastic, disposable utensil but there is only a plastic knife and fork. A knife just seemed so wrong...like a murder weapon so I carefully, removed Buddy with a fork. I wrapped his body in a burial shroud (paper towel) and threw a little fresh grass in for Joseph and zoomed back to school. On the way, my coffee mug tipped over on top of the box, but what grasshopper in captivity doesn't appreciate some good Costco Colombian coffee dripping through his air holes in the morning?

For my grand finale, when I got to work I dropped my cell phone in the toilet.

This is my true story. And, I'm sticking to it.