Monday, March 19, 2007

Can I be honest?

I have to tell you is tough. I mean it can really break you if you let it. I am not so quick to spout off contrite sounding phrases like "what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger" anymore. I feel like at times I am careless with my words, even careless with God's promises as if I am wishing on a falling star instead of really seeking His truth and His ways. The only thing that gives me any hope some days is that I believe that God has a plan for my life and whatever the current trial I'm going through is part of that plan. I then can see things through His eyes and start being grateful for the blessings I DO have in this season.
The hardest thing I've faced as I am growing older (oh my word, can you tell I'm so ridiculously melancholy that I'm turning 37 in a few weeks???!!!) is fear. And, I believe like so many other things in life that fear is a choice. You know, I want to be the one with the unshakable faith that can stand strong in the storm. In the good times I picture myself that way. The reality is I don't sleep very well some nights, almost begging Jesus to calm my racing heart and quiet my overanalyzing mind so I can get a few hours sleep before I have to wake up and endure life. And, I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THAT! The list goes on and on but my worst fears are my family spending eternity separated from God, my 85 year old grandma who lives with us getting so sick or hurt that I won't be able to take care of her, or worse I'll come home one day and find her well, you know where I'm going with that.....I worry about our finances and where we'll be a year from now. I pray daily that I'll be able to transition well into "mom of teenagers" so the girls will not shut me out of their lives (young people who are reading this please take parents can really mess up sometimes, but please trust me when I tell you that we only want the absolute best for our kids, even if it seems like we're just trying to ruin their fun!). Well, anyway...John 14:27 says "Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.". So, that sounds like I have a choice to make. Some days, I just don't know how to walk without that fear and worry. And, it shows in my attitude. I think so often of Paul and all the times he was imprisoned and what his thoughts may have drifted to. Was he worried? Did he feel guilty because of all the harm he did before he surrendered his life to Christ? I think if he was tempted to do any of that he prayed it away pretty quickly and made the choice to not entertain any of those kinds of thoughts. Why? Look at his character, he was so rooted in the firm foundation of Jesus that you don't get the impression Paul had many pity parties. Which makes me feel petty just sitting here typing about my suburban soccer mom trials. So, please excuse me while I go pick myself up, brush myself off and thank God for another day to make a difference for His kingdom!

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