I really wish I had a good excuse for obsessing over things. I am so wound up right now thinking about how the 2 meetings that seemed God-ordered just didn't seem to go over the way I pictured they would. And, it isn't as if anything went wrong, it just wasn't what I envisioned so I'm basically feeling a bit like a loser right now.
The first meeting was about a possible new venture that I can't get into too much detail about at this point in time. It is nothing mysterious, just too time consuming to type out. It has the potential to become a lucrative part-time job, but I was disappointed with the person I met with. We just were not on the same page and I grew frustrated trying to get answers to the questions he didn't seem to understand. I started to think it was me, but I'm not so sure.
The other meeting was with our school PTO. I knew in advance I was going to be nominated for president and I had this whole heart felt speech semi-prepared about serving with this great team and how I want them to know I care about them and fully intend to be there to help "bare their burdens".
That wasn't exactly how it happened. I babbled about how nice everyone has been, and what a great foundation that has been established, I got a lump in my throat (not even sure why...fear?) and everyone stared at me with their glassy eyes probing and their minds were thinking....
"Are you for real?"
And, the more I talked, the more I kept telling myself to shut up. By the grace of God, I joked about ordering them uniforms, they laughed and the awkward moment passed. Well, not really for me. I'm still in the awkward moment....3 hours later.
And, it just seemed that this was such a downer of a meeting, talking about the lack of volunteers. My suggestion for creating room parents to help us to organize and recruit volunteers was shot down with a "we've tried that before". Good Lord! What have I gotten myself into? Beginning in a few short months I am supposed to lead a group of people I became intimidated by tonight. And, this happened for no good reason. And, nobody was malicious, but I'm starting to think they are wondering if my Pollyanna attitude is just an act. And, I'm starting to wonder myself.
The question is...can I make a difference? Or, is this going to be a year of banging my head off of a wall and feeling inadequate? Or, is this going to be a year of having pity parties because things didn't go my way and someone hurt my feelings? I do, with all my heart, want to see families being refreshed and spending time together. For teachers and families to work together and not against each other. And, yes, deep down inside I hope to have opportunities to pray with people in need of a touch from our Lord. But, I really have to deal with my (immaturity) fear of being rejected. And, I wonder is it worth so much of my energy? Only God knows....and I hope the answer is a resounding YES!