Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Deflated

I really wish I had a good excuse for obsessing over things. I am so wound up right now thinking about how the 2 meetings that seemed God-ordered just didn't seem to go over the way I pictured they would. And, it isn't as if anything went wrong, it just wasn't what I envisioned so I'm basically feeling a bit like a loser right now.

The first meeting was about a possible new venture that I can't get into too much detail about at this point in time. It is nothing mysterious, just too time consuming to type out. It has the potential to become a lucrative part-time job, but I was disappointed with the person I met with. We just were not on the same page and I grew frustrated trying to get answers to the questions he didn't seem to understand. I started to think it was me, but I'm not so sure.

The other meeting was with our school PTO. I knew in advance I was going to be nominated for president and I had this whole heart felt speech semi-prepared about serving with this great team and how I want them to know I care about them and fully intend to be there to help "bare their burdens".

That wasn't exactly how it happened. I babbled about how nice everyone has been, and what a great foundation that has been established, I got a lump in my throat (not even sure why...fear?) and everyone stared at me with their glassy eyes probing and their minds were thinking....

"Are you for real?"

And, the more I talked, the more I kept telling myself to shut up. By the grace of God, I joked about ordering them uniforms, they laughed and the awkward moment passed. Well, not really for me. I'm still in the awkward moment....3 hours later.

And, it just seemed that this was such a downer of a meeting, talking about the lack of volunteers. My suggestion for creating room parents to help us to organize and recruit volunteers was shot down with a "we've tried that before". Good Lord! What have I gotten myself into? Beginning in a few short months I am supposed to lead a group of people I became intimidated by tonight. And, this happened for no good reason. And, nobody was malicious, but I'm starting to think they are wondering if my Pollyanna attitude is just an act. And, I'm starting to wonder myself.

The question is...can I make a difference? Or, is this going to be a year of banging my head off of a wall and feeling inadequate? Or, is this going to be a year of having pity parties because things didn't go my way and someone hurt my feelings? I do, with all my heart, want to see families being refreshed and spending time together. For teachers and families to work together and not against each other. And, yes, deep down inside I hope to have opportunities to pray with people in need of a touch from our Lord. But, I really have to deal with my (immaturity) fear of being rejected. And, I wonder is it worth so much of my energy? Only God knows....and I hope the answer is a resounding YES!

6 comments:

Thrills said...

I just saw your poll re: mineral make-up. We sold it at my last job in the dermatology office.

I don't wear make-up so I can't really compare it too much. It is a nice light make-up. My only problem with it is if you put too much on, it would show your fine lines/wrinkles and pore size. Not really what you want to show on your face. But it does give you a nice even tone.

Beautiful Grace said...

Hey, Sweetie,

I know how uncomfortable it is to have something in your heart that you just can't express. For me, it's easier to type out rather than speak out. I definitely can relate.

As far as the president thing. You have so much too offer...positive attitude, God's fire and down to earth intelligence. Don't allow the evil one to play mind games with you!!

Also, remember, that helpless feeling when standing in front of a group and feeling like you are not being coherent is a BLESSING!!! It reminds us of our weakness and then as we run to Jesus His strength is made manifest. Bless you!!!! :)

The Gang's All Here! said...

I'm so impresssed that you would even give thought to leading a group like that - I might be hardened by recent events at our own PTO's here - tough crowd.

But I have absolutely no doubt that you can do it - you are quite capable and quite inspiring. Don't be ashamed or fearful of being rejected - you are accepted in the Beloved. Rather, let your true self keep shining thru and they will learn from you that they too can be accepted in the Beloved.

The passion of your love for Jesus and for serving Him is just what that crowd needs, they just don't know it yet!

Classic MaMa said...

So, when Paul went out on his missionary journeys he was stoned, yelled at, beaten with rods and sometimes left for dead. However, he did not concider these meetings failures, as I would if I were stoned when I opened my mouth. He knew that where he went was divinely orchestrated nomatter what happened. Even if things do not feel like a success, if you beleive that this is where God has you, then it is a success. Hang in there. You are a woman who walks with authority and favor. No amount of awkward silences can take that away, blessed Melissa. :)

Holding It Together said...

I have done the babbling thing many times and know how it feels, but most people won't think anything more about it once they left that meeting, I'm sure.

An idea (not mine, came from a training of the PA Office of Dispute Resolution): Instead of throwing out ideas of how to get volunteers or whatever the task is, share your dreams and concerns and let the suggestions flow from that.

The example given was of a mom telling the school her daughter needed speech therapy twice a week and the school saying it wasn't warranted. They were stuck until the mom was able to express what her concerns were about her daughter's communication issues and what her dreams were for her daughter in terms of participating in class and making friends. Then the team could figure out how to achieve those goals instead of arguing about getting a particular service.

(Sorry, this got pretty long!)

@pryl G said...

so in corporate America, you do a good job at the level of position you were hired for, and as soon as you get a "promotion" you are sent to your level of inexperience.

No one is perfect. Give yourself a break... this will be a season of learning (successes & failures) but even your failures will be used by Jesus to bless someone.

I mean, haven't you been blessed by someone else's failures? I know I have...