Monday, September 10, 2007

Do You Ever Not Like Yourself?

I've been feeling the "blahs" lately. No idea why. Just sort of feeling like I'm on cruise control. I'll say something and be like "oh that was dumb" or I'll be like babbling, literally just babbling to God in this strange way like something is terribly wrong and I need to know He is still listening. I honestly wondered today if I am starting to go through some strange early menopause hormonal breakdown. The whole day I just kept wondering why I feel like my life is on cruise control. It's not bad!! I mean I could use to lose a couple pounds, but that's nothing new. We're through the adjustment period of school and everyone is doing well. Coaching my soccer team tonight though nearly sent me over the edge, particularly one little girl who would do everything I was telling her not to do until I finally benched her for the night because she was pushing kids on the opposite team when they didn't even have the ball. I could cry when I think about having to go back there next week. The parents are all pretty snooty (from my former neighborhood) and, quite honestly, I'm sick of being so nice to them. Let's just get the next 3 weeks over with and then we can move on. I used to ADORE coaching soccer. Nope, not so much this year. I love coaching my own daughter and maybe 1 or 2 of the others that actually listen to me. Perhaps I'm having some sort of subconscious identity crisis like I can't relate to people anymore, and I just don't know where I fit in other than the safety of my own home.

Oh ....where is Dr. Phil when I need him??!

I keep thinking it may have something to do with getting prayed for yesterday at church, several different people kept praying for me to have joy (I didn't say a word to them about anything), and imagine that....I feel like the joy is being robbed from me a little bit each day for no reason. Thank the Lord I know my feelings are not real and HIS JOY COMES IN THE MORNING. I'm holding onto that promise.

I had a dream last night about my upcoming high school reunion that I probably can't even afford to go to and maybe that's contributing to why I feel all in a funk. When I have a frustrating or bad dream it seems to affect me the rest of that day. In the dream I was arguing with the people who were planning it that $120 per couple was too expensive and why should I have to pay for open bar if I'm not going to drink anything and isn't it about trying to get as many people as you can from the good 'ole class of '88 together? And, then this thought hit me today. I don't have to go to my 20-year class reunion. Oh my word! The freedom in that! If I don't want to waste money on an open bar and spend the night with maybe the only other 20 people who will show up because everyone else thought is was too expensive, I. don't. have. to. go. I would like to, but not at that price!

SO, please don't worry about me...I am dog bite is healing nicely and we had a lovely middle school open house tonight. I'm just not liking my Eeyore-like attitude right now. And, I'm just trying to figure out how to shake it, since honestly, there is nothing really wrong!

I just want Melissa back, (and, now I'm really worried when I start referring to myself in the third person)!


speakingfreely said...

Oh, friend, I feel your pain. When all of my stuff was moved in Sunday night and Mom and Sister were on the road, I warned The Professor that I might be on the edge of a meltdown. You and I are at very similar places right now (no, not MD and PA...not what I mean). Your adrenaline has carried you through moving, The Husband's job change, the girls beginning new school, your BFF moving away (sorry), and on and on...
Now that you're settling into "normal," it's tough to know what to do with yourself. I'll be praying for you and trust that you'll pray me through this time also. Thankfully, I didn't fall apart on Sunday...let's pray that we can both avoid meltdowns and look forward to the next thing God has for us!
Love you!!

Classic MaMa said...

I agree with Freely, life is "normal" now. There's no huge battle to fight and you may not know what to do with yourself. We'll pray for you, my dear...and we'll see you tomorrow night.