Sunday, October 21, 2007

I Want to Have My Cake and Eat It, Too

As God is so faithful to deal with my soul and flesh I have decided one of my problems that I seem to struggle finding balance with is being a supportive wife/mom, but still being me and maintaining my status as an individual. Too much of one or the other has never been much of a good thing for me. I want the best of both worlds, yet, it seems unattainable most days. It is this "philosophy" that seemed to cause the spiritual desert I've found myself struggling with this year. How can I do it? It seems so hard and I think I may have given up on the Melissa part.

Through God's gentle whispers I have come to the realization that I have reached a plateau in my spiritual life and set up camp there. I've climbed this far and I want to rest. And, that's okay. For a season. Not permanently. God told me (as I was face down sobbing into the carpet last night at a retreat) to put the harness back on because I need to start climbing again. He will be my strength, I just have to watch my footing. And, if I do fall my harness is protecting me...I just have to find the right footing again and keep heading up the mountain. And, I believe it will be glorious at the top of that mountain!

I've felt jealous, left out, guilty, and all sorts of disqualifiers that have put me on dangerous footing with my spiritual walk lately. I'm not sure what started it other than feeling like so much change has happened in the last few months that I've lost myself along the way. I don't know what depression or a breakdown feels like, but I have the feeling it's been knocking on my door and I've come close to entertaining it. There is good news....this dry desert I've been traveling only makes me want to surrender more and more of my life to Jesus. In this place of isolation, I am seeking. He is speaking. As I escaped from the "noise" of running a busy household for 5 minutes to sit in the quiet of dusk tonight, I sensed God telling me I'm like a rechargeable battery that has gone too long without a charge. He plugged me in this weekend and I'm starting to feel the power come back. Not my power, His power. The beautiful thing about it is that He is doing it to see His kingdom come, His Will be done. Of course, I'm receiving the blessing, but it cannot stop there. When He pours that kind of love and power into us, He expects it to flow out of us. That is life changing and anything but ordinary.

So, as I ponder each day if I've struck the balance of being wife/mom/Melissa I have to remember that He is in control, I just have to be courageous and content with the journey He has mapped out for me right now. And, faithful. It's important to do the right thing even when I don't "feel" like it.

One day at a time. I want to be more like Him.


Beautiful Grace said...

The Lord will rescue you from this place of inward focus. I think you've read my postings "I Am Changing Your Genetic Struture" parts 1 & 2.

He rescued me, but that doesn't mean the evil one doesn't still tempt me to become inward focused. I am learning that service to others, whether strangers, family or brothers and sisters in Christ is the best medicine to counteract the inward pull.

Now I am NOT suggesting that you WORK your way out of this funk. I am saying that you ask Jesus how to bless someone, listen to what He says, and then do it.

The other thing I am learning is to give my soul to Him, meaning sometimes I weep in His Presence. Through my tears, I am giving Him my self-centeredness, my hurts, my fears, my crazy unsettled thoughts.

Charles Spurgeon refered to tears as "liquid prayer." I think the modern Christian church has lost some of that kind of passion. (I want to write an article about tears soon on my blog).

Give Jesus your soul and keep on giving it to Him.

I know we don't know each other that well, but I wish I could give you a hug right now.

May the Lord minister to you in ways your soul has never dreamed of. May He touch you in the deepest part and break you free from yourself, so that you may serve Him with your whole being. For the glory of Jesus and in Jesus' name!!! AMEN!!!!

Classic MaMa said...

:) I love the picture of you getting ready to climb some more.

I can relate so very much. Especially lately. I feel left out a lot and many times alone, but He always reminds me that He never forgets me-not ever.

I admire you, Melissa, always honest and always looking for what God has for you, you are such a wonderful role model. Thnak you.