Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Mommy Guilt (again)

Today was not one of those "Mommy Of The Year" Award days.

Today I could've been a finalist in the "Mommy Who Pitches the Loudest Fit" contest. While I say that somewhat jokingly, I feel pretty bad at flipping out on #1 over the thing that seems to be a constant source of contention. Her school work.

I found myself saying things like....
"Do you think I want to learn this stuff? I already did when I was in fifth grade!"
"Do you think I OWE it to you to home school you? NO! I DON'T!"
" I'm done. School yourself. I'M DONE!!!!!"

I was pretty vicious. But, I can honestly tell you the entire school year has been a battle of her will vs. my desire to stay caught up in school work. We have the same conversations several times a week in varying degrees of loudness and tears (hers and mine) and today, as I explained to her, I had reached my limit. But, that is no excuse for the tongue lashing I unleashed on her.

Our season of home schooling is coming to an end. I am so happy and sad about that at the same time. I'm ready to be her mom and not her teacher and her mom. But, I'm going to miss her and struggle with memories of today while she is away in the care of someone else.

I could never prepare myself for the conflicting emotions that motherhood brings. Joy and pain, love and frustration. I wouldn't trade it for the world, but that still doesn't make the struggles any easier. I'm going to go pray now.

2 comments:

Irritable Mother said...

Melissa,
I am seriously almost in tears as I read this post. I don't homeschool, but I do get that mix of joy and pain, love and frustration. I was there with my nine-year-old the other day, working on a school project. Those words, "I'M DONE!!!!!" came out of my mouth, too.
So glad God is good all the time, and His love never fails, even when we do.

Classic MaMa said...

Hey, Meliss, you still get the mother of the year award. Every mother has those days. You get the mother of the year award because you are a REAL mom trying to do the very best for her girls. I know how genuine you are and so do they. Smile, dear. It's May. ;)