Mommy Guilt (again)

Today was not one of those "Mommy Of The Year" Award days.

Today I could've been a finalist in the "Mommy Who Pitches the Loudest Fit" contest. While I say that somewhat jokingly, I feel pretty bad at flipping out on #1 over the thing that seems to be a constant source of contention. Her school work.

I found myself saying things like....
"Do you think I want to learn this stuff? I already did when I was in fifth grade!"
"Do you think I OWE it to you to home school you? NO! I DON'T!"
" I'm done. School yourself. I'M DONE!!!!!"

I was pretty vicious. But, I can honestly tell you the entire school year has been a battle of her will vs. my desire to stay caught up in school work. We have the same conversations several times a week in varying degrees of loudness and tears (hers and mine) and today, as I explained to her, I had reached my limit. But, that is no excuse for the tongue lashing I unleashed on her.

Our season of home schooling is coming to an end. I am so happy and sad about that at the same time. I'm ready to be her mom and not her teacher and her mom. But, I'm going to miss her and struggle with memories of today while she is away in the care of someone else.

I could never prepare myself for the conflicting emotions that motherhood brings. Joy and pain, love and frustration. I wouldn't trade it for the world, but that still doesn't make the struggles any easier. I'm going to go pray now.