Saturday, June 2, 2007

Broken

I'm in pain right now. Emotional pain.

Another offer came in for the house we wanted to buy and we have 48 hours to match it. Basically that means we must remove our current contingency that says we won't buy it until our house sells and agree to go to closing within 45 days. Or, the new people get it.

I feel paralyzed right now.

I looked at other houses we can afford (I guess it is fair for you to know that we are "downsizing") within our school district and there is literally nothing we can move into that will work anywhere near to what this other house had to offer.

We have a choice and I am just devastated at having to figure this all out in the next day or two.....

1. We hope and pray for a miraculous offer to come in by 4pm on Monday for our house (we have a showing tomorrow, but if they decide they like it and make an offer on Tuesday, it will be too late).

2. If option #1 doesn't work out then we have to give up the new house and still try to sell ours and hope we find a house we can live with.

3. We don't sell our house and pray for God to provide the income to continue to stay here. That needs to happen by August.

Here is what my devotion for today says..

Your ways are not my ways, Lord God. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are Your ways higher than mine. I may not understand Your ways, Lord, but they are always prosperous. I have considered my ways, Lord. I choose Yours instead. Lord, if being obedient to you causes me to suffer, I know I should commit myself to my Faithful Creator and continue to do good (1 Peter 4:19).

That helped, but it still hurts. I'm seriously in tears. After I got off the phone with our agent I was so angry....I felt like I can't ever get anything right....the reason I have such a hard time making decisions is fear of making the wrong ones, which seems to happen alot. And, one of the biggest, BIGGEST things that gets me furious is wasting time and money. The idea that we got our house ready to sell and then having to end up pulling it off the market makes me weep. And, really...the reason I'm blogging instead of calling my friends right now is that I really don't want to hear the very same thing I would tell someone else....

Don't worry, God has something better for you.

Some days I have a tough time believing I deserve anything better. I am trying really hard to be thankful that this is just about a house and that my family is safe and healthy and we have food to eat, but after a few moments I go right back into "whoa is me". I feel like I start to understand my life is not my own and then BAM, crisis hits and I'm cowering in a spirtual corner. I hate confusion and not being able to discern if this is God closing a door or the enemy attacking the plans He has for us. My prayers sound very desperate and childlike right now.

Help me, God. Please help me...only You know what I need right now. You exchange my mourning for dancing and my weeping for gladness. Please help me to hear You.

5 comments:

menonita said...
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Stephanie said...

Despite what you are feeling, you are doing great woman! Your heart is right on! He is so pleased with you sister. Don't let Satan discourage you by making you feel unworthy.
You are allowed to question. It doesn't mean you have less faith. You are questioning the One with the answers. You are actually demonstrating your faith by trusting Him to know the answer.
I'll be praying for you. I admit that I don't envy you right now. But I do trust Him with you and your situation and I trust you to continue to depend on Him even during this uncertain time.
Thanks for being honest! I love that about you!

TCC said...

God hears your cry and knows your heart. I agree with Stephanie and am praying for you and your family.

Classic MaMa said...

It's terribly hard, I know, but you're going to have to give it up to him. Give it up with open hands and tell him that you'll love Him and trust Him no matter what.

He loves you so much Melissa. So very much. He will not leave you, not ever. Hold on to the things you know for certain. You will make it. You are a very, very strong classy broad!

I love you.

Tracy W said...

I know how this house/home stuff gets right to the heart of you - you are a woman who loves passionately and cares deeply that your family be situated in the best possible circumstances. These uncertainties tap into the areas that are hardest for us to "let go" and trust HIM with. I've totally been there - with the purchase of our last home in Mechanicsburg and with the purchase of this home we moved to when we left Mechanicsburg. I'm praying for you, and trusting that the Lord will first and foremost minister peace to your spirit and mind and secondly that HE will work out the details in such a glorious way that HE gets the praise and glory and HIS Kingdom is furthered. He does love you - lavishly! And He rejoices in even the smallest attempts to trust Him with our hearts and our lives. He rejoices because He knows what a sacrifice of praise it is - and He can and will grow you through it. Love you and praying for you now!