Broken

I'm in pain right now. Emotional pain.

Another offer came in for the house we wanted to buy and we have 48 hours to match it. Basically that means we must remove our current contingency that says we won't buy it until our house sells and agree to go to closing within 45 days. Or, the new people get it.

I feel paralyzed right now.

I looked at other houses we can afford (I guess it is fair for you to know that we are "downsizing") within our school district and there is literally nothing we can move into that will work anywhere near to what this other house had to offer.

We have a choice and I am just devastated at having to figure this all out in the next day or two.....

1. We hope and pray for a miraculous offer to come in by 4pm on Monday for our house (we have a showing tomorrow, but if they decide they like it and make an offer on Tuesday, it will be too late).

2. If option #1 doesn't work out then we have to give up the new house and still try to sell ours and hope we find a house we can live with.

3. We don't sell our house and pray for God to provide the income to continue to stay here. That needs to happen by August.

Here is what my devotion for today says..

Your ways are not my ways, Lord God. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are Your ways higher than mine. I may not understand Your ways, Lord, but they are always prosperous. I have considered my ways, Lord. I choose Yours instead. Lord, if being obedient to you causes me to suffer, I know I should commit myself to my Faithful Creator and continue to do good (1 Peter 4:19).

That helped, but it still hurts. I'm seriously in tears. After I got off the phone with our agent I was so angry....I felt like I can't ever get anything right....the reason I have such a hard time making decisions is fear of making the wrong ones, which seems to happen alot. And, one of the biggest, BIGGEST things that gets me furious is wasting time and money. The idea that we got our house ready to sell and then having to end up pulling it off the market makes me weep. And, really...the reason I'm blogging instead of calling my friends right now is that I really don't want to hear the very same thing I would tell someone else....

Don't worry, God has something better for you.

Some days I have a tough time believing I deserve anything better. I am trying really hard to be thankful that this is just about a house and that my family is safe and healthy and we have food to eat, but after a few moments I go right back into "whoa is me". I feel like I start to understand my life is not my own and then BAM, crisis hits and I'm cowering in a spirtual corner. I hate confusion and not being able to discern if this is God closing a door or the enemy attacking the plans He has for us. My prayers sound very desperate and childlike right now.

Help me, God. Please help me...only You know what I need right now. You exchange my mourning for dancing and my weeping for gladness. Please help me to hear You.