Bear with me...I've had a bad migraine all day that I think is a result of trying to detox myself off of caffeine. I felt so bad I drove to Sheetz and bought a bucket of Diet Coke to try and counteract, but it's too late. So anyhoo....on with the rest of my story.
After I had a good cry on the steps I assured all of my children that everything was going to be ok (I didn't believe it entirely). As I was vacuuming I asked the Lord to give me a scripture, something for me to hold onto. He immediately spoke to me I'll turn your mourning into dancing and your weeping into gladness. Ok, I was starting to feel a little better!
The Husband and I were left with a decision to make. We talked out every scenario (ok, I talked out every scenario) and hoped a good night's sleep would shed some light.
The next morning we went to church. At church I ran into some friends who I quickly filled in our predicament. They prayed for me and when they finished, one of them said that while we were praying God had given her a verse to share with me, Weeping and mourning may last for the night, but His joy comes in the morning! I got goosebumps and realized He was trying to tell me something! Now, was I going to listen?
During the service I had pretty much resolved to go up for prayer, but to go to someone who knew our situation. Just typing that now sounds so silly to me, but I just didn't want to have to be up there with someone I don't know, blah, blah, our house, blah, blah, contingency, blah, blah....you get the picture. At the end of the service it was like God Himself spoke these words to me (it was actually one of our pastors):
Jesus was broken so He could be given.
3 minutes later.
You are being broken so you can be given.
Oh my word! No wonder I have a migraine. I cried so hard at those words that I thought my head would explode. I'm crying again just typing it.
At that point, I had decided I was going to leave everything in God's hands, the house, the kids, the ministry He calls me to, my marriage, my unsaved loved ones. I am not going to stick my foot in any door He is trying to close for my own good. If this house situation was one of those doors I was okay to let it close. I told Him that if He wanted us to have that house, He was going to have to do something because I was not going to try and "figure it out" anymore.
Ok, He's not done with me. Someone has a word of knowledge (for those of you who don't know what that is please let me know and I'll explain, it's cool and it's God, that's all you need to know for now) about a person who has a racing heart. That's me! Ok, I'll go up for prayer. So, I go up and there are lots of people waiting to be prayed for and this lady next to me is weeping. I feel kind of awkward just standing there waiting so I pray with another ministry worker for this lady. When she's done I hug her a long time and realize I need to go pick up my kids from their classrooms. I see some friends of ours praying for someone else so I figure I can get the kids and come back and get prayed for in a little while.
By the time I come back, my friends are no longer praying for anyone, but they need to talk to someone and it's important. So they ask us to wait and say they'll pray for us. I go down to where The Husband is sitting and he asks me why I didn't stay up there for prayer for my heart racing. I told him I was waiting for our friends and they could pray for my heart and the house. He kept bugging me to go up and get prayed for right then and there about my heart and I'm like what's your problem, leave me alone! I will, I will! So, more out of a desire to make him leave me alone I walk up and things are winding down. I am sort of standing there, again awkwardly, because I don't know if anyone realizes I'm there to be prayed for or if I'm waiting to pray for someone or talk to someone so I'm getting a few curious glances, but no takers. Now, I'm really frustrated that The Husband sent me up here because I look like an idiot.
Oh my word, this is my longest post ever! Take a moment and visit the restroom or grab a drink if you must.
At some point, this dear couple who we have known a long time but who don't really know what we are walking through ask me if I want to be prayed for. Now, this particular guy has prayed for The Husband a few times and shared some very powerful prophetic words with him. I'm so sorry this is in Christianese for those of you who may not be following...please let me explain more one-on-one if you don't know what I'm talking about! So, I start to share while I'm there and he doesn't even let me finish. He starts praying and tells me first thing God doesn't want me to cry. Huh? I'm thinking, does he mean right now or did God tell Him I've been crying for the last 18 hours? So, DON'T LAUGH, I was trying not to cry just in case he meant right now. He begins praying things over me that blew me away....confirmed words that had been spoken before and proclaimed new things to come. I'd share with you more specifically but I'm still digesting it all. I will tell you I managed not to cry until I thought we were finished and he says to me, Wait, there is one more thing God wants me to tell you.
You were not an accident.
Well, forget the no crying thing because that word went so deep inside my soul that it took my breath away and I broke down.
How did this man know that my mom got pregnant with me when she was a single 18 year old girl who went a little too far at a frat party? Okay, a lot too far. But, I am the result of that. Not many people know that and it's not like I try to keep it a secret, but I know my existence alone is a reminder to my mom of what happened. I don't need to make it worse by proclaiming it for all to hear (you know like blogging about it on the Internet??!!). I had to share it because of the context of this story. I had allowed a terrible lie to live inside me for as long as I can remember:
If abortion were legal in 1970 I wouldn't be here. I was a mistake. A result of my mom's sin. But, I never dwelled on this on a regular basis, but I believe it is a root of a lot of the fear and rejection that I do battle with.
I am not an accident.
We left church filled with peace and a resolve that God will work everything out the way He wants to and that's okay with us! My phone was on vibrate for the service so I turned it up and stuck it back in my purse. We were pulling out of our church parking lot and it started to ring. It was our real estate agent and she had an offer for our house come in just moments before. Someone to buy our house! We could buy the other house now! We thought how remarkable it was that someone would call on a Sunday morning after looking at our house weeks earlier and make just the right offer at the right time.
Could God have lured me to the alter to pray for something I thought was a need, only to find out He had other plans for me up there? To reveal to me I am not an accident, that many will come to know of His faithfulness by my testimony and that HE LOVES ME.
That God of ours is tricky. I am so glad He cares about me so personally. It may be "all about Him", but He sure delights in us!