Monday, January 14, 2008

Can I Have Some Cheese With My Whine?

Lament. Pity party. Whoa is me. Yes, here we go again.

I am wallowing away in my overweight misery. I took my Christmas money and bought a scale that not only measures your weight, it calculates your body fat. I would have bought clothes with my Christmas money, but I look like a sausage in anything that is my size and I REFUSE to buy anything bigger. It seemed like a logical thing to buy to keep me motivated (depressed) to lose 25 pounds.

While infected with the dreadful disease I did manage to lose about 5 pounds and along with it every ounce of muscle in my body. But, I celebrated my one week anniversary of going to the gym and I wish I could say I trust myself to continue to go three times a week. And, to eat well. And, to get enough sleep.


While I refuse to share my weight with the Internet world (I'm still in denial) I will admit to my body fat being 34.6%. Oh, yeah. It should be around 21%. I'm not happy. I can't really use my six-year old as an excuse for my muffin top (oh boy, that pregnancy weight is sure hard to lose, it's only been over 6 years???!).

I finally figured out what is bugging me the most. I have failed. Over and over again with this area of my life. I'm not a person who likes to fail or lose. I can't let it just "roll off my back". I get so obsessed with it for a few weeks and then "life" happens and the next thing you know I haven't exercised because I'm too busy reading on the couch with a bowl of chips and pretzels. I seriously do not treat any other area of my life like this! I take my responsibilities seriously to the point of sacrificing what I enjoy doing for what needs to be done. And, I don't do it resentfully. It has become second nature. For example, I was so sick and missed so much work that instead of going to MIA tomorrow, I plan catch up on work. I would much rather go hang out with my friends and consume large quantities of coffee, but my conscience is not letting me off the hook. Now, would I miss MIA to exercise if I knew I needed to? Ha! The closest I would get would be to eat a plate of fruit to make up for skipping my workout!

So, here I am trying to think happy thoughts and be the little engine who could. Sadly, it feels as if this is about the 178th time I've tried to lose weight and keep it off. It's hard to keep starting over when the results have always been the same. But, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (at least that's what the Donut Man and my Bible says) so I keep plugging away one day at a time and hope that I finally want a healthy body more than I want that jelly donut.

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